Abusive behaviour in a relationship is not usually obvious from the beginning, and victim-survivors often find that what may seem minor incidents initially will escalate over time, with abusive behaviours increasing when the relationship becomes more serious or established. Recognising early warning signs of what may later become abusive behaviour can help you to protect yourself from abusive relationships and maintain your own safety and security. Whilst this list is not exhaustive, the following are some signs to look out for that may indicate that your relationship may be unsafe or may become abusive:
“Love Bombing”
Love bombing can be difficult to distinguish from genuine care and affection. If you have been in a relationship previously with someone that was not expressive or emotional, at first it may feel as though you have won the lottery, and your new partner seems almost too good to be true. They might shower you with gifts, excessive compliments, want to spend all their time with you and are likely to be in constant communication with you.
Your partner might also romanticise your relationship from a very early stage, talking about how they already know you’re ‘the one’ or their ‘soulmate’. They may want to move the relationship along much more quickly than usual, saying ‘I love you’ very early on, wanting to make things official or exclusive straight away, or making plans to move in together very quickly.
A relationship moving quickly does not automatically mean that your partner is going to be abusive. It is entirely possible for two people to meet, very quickly develop a strong connection, and progress to a healthy relationship. The most important thing is not to get swept up in initial chemistry without establishing whether your core values align, and if the relationship is going to be successful in the longer-term. Love bombing is one of the most confusing experiences for victim-survivors of domestic abuse, and if someone has initially experienced love bombing, it may contribute to their difficulty in ending the abusive relationship as they believe that it will be possible for the abuser to ‘go back’ to the way they were at the beginning of the relationship.
Controlling Behaviour
Controlling behaviour, particularly in the early stages of a relationship, can be much more subtle and difficult to notice. For example, your partner may be keen to meet your friends and family at an early stage. You may think that this is a positive sign that your partner is interested in your life and wants to be a part of it. However, they may then start inviting themselves along any time you go to spend time with people, and suddenly, you don’t get any time alone with friends or family and are unable to discuss any concerns you may have about the relationship because your partner is always present.
You may also find that your partner wants to share locations at all times, and they may express this as concern about your safety. But suddenly, you find that they are questioning where you have been, and it is clear that they have been monitoring your location without any need to do so. They may find excuses to check your phone without your consent, and if you question this, they may accuse you of having something to hide and suggest that they should have access to all of your private conversations. Even if this is framed by your partner as part of a ‘healthy’ relationship, if it makes you feel uncomfortable, listen to your gut.
Excessive Communication
In the early stages of dating and getting to know someone, there is plenty to talk about, and if sparks are flying it can be perfectly normal to be communicating a lot. You may be pleased that your new partner is so keen, particularly if this has not been your previous experience of relationships. However, this can indicate a problem if it is beyond what you are comfortable with, or if it is one-sided or excessive, for example if your partner is calling you multiple times a day or wanting to speak to you whenever you have a free moment, leaving you with little time to do anything else.
It is also important to think about the nature of the communication. If your partner is constantly wanting to know where you are, what you’re doing, or who you’re with, you may initially view this as caring behaviour or interest in your life, but it could be a sign of future controlling behaviour.
Unfounded Jealousy
Your partner may open up to you about their experiences of infidelity in previous relationships, which is perfectly normal. However, it is not acceptable for them to use this as an excuse to make unfounded accusations against you, or control or restrict your relationships with others. Whilst previous experiences of infidelity may lead to some insecurity or concerns in future relationships, your partner should recognise that this is their issue to deal with, and take the necessary steps to do so, for example seeking support through therapy. If they act as though because a previous partner was cheating, you are responsible for constantly reassuring them that you are not, that is a problem.
Financial Control
Your partner may encourage you to quit your job or reduce your hours, promising to financially support you. They may offer to contribute to your outgoings or to pay all of the bills. They may push for the two of you to join all of your finances, closing separate accounts and maintaining joint accounts only. Initially, this might make you feel flattered, secure, or taken care of. But you may then find that once your partner has control over the finances, they start making financial decisions without consulting you, controlling your spending, restricting your access to shared assets, or building up debt in your name. If a partner is pushing for you to combine finances, take time to think about whether this is really what you want, and how you can retain some financial independence – for example by keeping a separate bank account, or an independent income stream.
We offer a free exploratory call so that we can match your specific needs with the right person in our family team. For more information or to arrange an appointment with a member of our Family Team, please contact us on 01206 764477. The team can offer advice at one of our offices in Colchester, Chelmsford, Frinton-on-Sea, Ipswich or Bury St Edmunds, or by telephone or video appointment.
